


Sinneth Not

by Jellyfiggles



Category: South Park
Genre: Characters are imagined as teens, Confused sexual fantasies, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Rating this mature for the themes but there's no sex, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Set in episode, Sexuality Crisis, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 04:03:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17036285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellyfiggles/pseuds/Jellyfiggles
Summary: Set in the episode 'Cartman Sucks', Bradley struggles between his budding crush on Butters and his crumbling faith.





	Sinneth Not

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned, I wrote this fic back in 2007, when I was a teen myself, so the writing may not be the best.

The room was dim, most of the light coming from the hall, escaping through from the space between the wall and the door. The book in front of him was legible however, he was well trained. Eyes skimmed over the pages with the same reverence as some felt for poetry or cryptic novel. The scripture burned into his brain, words carved into his mind in flashes of letters.

"And when he had called unto him his twelve disciples, he gave them power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness and all manner of disease...”  
And Bradley mumbled the words aloud in the room, almost unconsciously, the nails of one hand clenched between his teeth and the fingers of the other curling onto the edge of the page. 

“Hiya Bradley, what’cha reading?”

Bradley nearly jumped out of his skin, giving a startled yelp at the unexpected voice. Not that it should be unexpected by now. He looked up at Butters, eyes wide and unblinking, practically devouring his fingers. “Cast out the unclean spirits... h-hey Butters.” His new accountabilabuddy grinned back at him, drawing up a chair and giving him a pleasant smile.

“That stuff’s pretty cool sometimes, huh? Wouldn’t it be neato if they really could cure all sick people and disease?” Butters tapped his heals and leaned into Bradley’s personal space.

Bradley felt rooted to the spot, a biblical response dying on his lips. Oh, he knew he should move away, hold up the book in defense as though Butters were possessed by some otherworldly demon. He shuffled a few inches back in compromise, feeling his cheeks flush at the other boy’s bright smile. 

Three days. Three days had passed since he had gone from a lonely existence of solitary scripture reading and an empty bunk in the room he slept in. Three days since he had sat for more than ten minutes poring over a heavy biblical volume in near silence. No, Butters had changed all that. Three days ago he had been making his way down the hall, rereading memorized paragraphs under his breath in a mutter when he’d been called from behind.

He hadn’t felt much at first sight, not until the other boy had sidled up to him and touched him and leaned close and said ‘I’m bi-curious’, like that was a completely normal occurrence. As though it wasn’t unclean and sinful! 

Butters had big bright eyes and a tuft of fluffy blonde hair. He seemed fluffy in general, rather like a small soft animal. His eyes, voice, hair and personality all exuded softness. He liked to sit too close, or pat Bradley’s arm or shoulder, or even worse, wrap his arm around his shoulders. And Bradley would find himself shaking like a leaf, body jerking as though it were jolted with electric shocks. And it was a shock, and electric, but sadly the type that was likely to make him more crazy.

Despite it all, Bradley felt his heart lifting. Butters was a bold, shining light in the dismal world of sterile greys, blues and the yellowing back and white of scripture. He laughed, he joked and he seemed alive in a way Bradley couldn’t decipher. 

Nearly every week, he heard gunshots, the sound of a chair falling to the floor from a kick and sometimes, late at night, the lonely sobs of some nameless boy in some other room down the hall. Butters wasn’t like that. He was quiet but not overly so and he had a way of brightening up any situation with his infectious optimism. He wasn’t going to off himself any time soon. He even freaked out when someone killed themselves. Bradley hadn’t even realized that he was desensitized.

The dream had happened last night. 

He’s been in their room, sitting on one of the uncomfortable chairs. The door creaked open and Butters came in. It had started normally, they had talked about scripture. And then Butters had stroked his arm, fingertips sliding up the bare skin. And Bradley had looked up into deep, half-lidded eyes, looking at him with an expression that made his heart race. The other boy had leaned closer, until their lips were nearly together and even as his body tensed in fear, Bradley felt his eyes slip shut as Butters-

Did nothing. He’d opened his eyes with a start to a darkened room and the slow, steady breathing of his sleeping accountabilabuddy. He’d lain in the dark, lips and stomach tingling, mind full of confusion and shame. And he’d copied scripture to punish himself, cursing his sinful thoughts and reminding himself that he should not be confused, that being bi-curious was an evil sin. And that Butters was not going to kiss him.

Was not going to press those soft looking lips against his and wrap his arms around Bradley’s body and- BAD THOUGHTS.

No, he would not give into temptation, not into those ugly thoughts that made everyone so mad at him! He would be cured, he had to be cured, otherwise he was better off dead!

He looked down at the book, and then back up at Butters. He allowed himself a small smile. “That w-would be pretty good.”

And Butters giggles, resting a hand on his shoulder and Bradley tenses, blushing. And tears a fingernail off with his teeth. And he screams.

Later, with a band-aid wrapped around his finger and a few fingers on his other hand pressed against his teeth, Bradley watches Butters change from beneath the covers. The other boy won’t take his underpants off, but the pale skin of his back and legs makes Bradley shake, his cheeks flushing. It’s hypnotizing and beautiful and wrong.

And Bradley aches inside from the pressure.


End file.
